[melody] Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger

Heehee... it's moments like these that help me smile all the time! :D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX!!!

~PRAISE THE PRINCE~

[melody] Shiina Ringo - Honnou
The video for this song is so hot. XD

YEssss... I am SOOO thankful for this Veteran's Day holiday!!! YIpppeeee!!! *dances around in joy* Yesterday I watched Full Metal Alchemist and I THOUGHT I got the right disc but I felt really confused about what was happening. Ergh... the anime and manga are seriously being mixed together in my head. I was watching and whenever Ed and others mentioned some characters, I was just like "What? Who's that? What did he/she do?" ^^;;; Well, there was a sufficient amount of flashbacks so I figured out most of it.

But todayyy... I must practice piano like there's no tomorrow!! T___T Well, actually, there will be because tomorrow, I have an audition. Eek. One of the songs I'm playing I've played before but the other one is all new AND contemporary and is killing my head to memorize it. -__- A positive light to this is actually that the audition takes place at this private college called SOCA. It's a very beautiful-looking college and I really want to see what it's like there. ^___^= Well, that's the end of the positive light.

Yesterday was the football game and WE WON!!! w000t XDDDDDD YEAAHHH!!!! I was very excited although it was freezing out there. XD And I saw HIIIMMM!!! AHHH!!! Well, anyway, it was great. ^__^

~PRAISE THE PRINCE~

[melody] REM - Everybody Hurts
Thanks Unmei. :) This song is nice.

Today... was very stressful. But it's not just today. It's kinda been a cumulative effect of many days and many events that have built up this HUGE CHUNK of problems that I carry with me no matter where I go. My main problem has got to be with my grades. I know they aren't the worst ever or anything like that but I can do WAAAAY better. Honestly, I have slacked off so much and hate myself so much for it but I'm just such an unreliable and lazy person that I can't fix it, however much I wish. Sure, I don't have straight A's but AT THE VERY MOST, I can only allow myself one B. And now, not only do I have a B in English (mostly due to carelessness and stupidity), but I also have a C for sure in Euro. That B- earlier came purely out of the fact that we only had one test and one essay so far at that time. Now, with my SLOPPY grades on tests and the following essays, I most definitely have a C. I seriously used to tell my mom all about my grades before, good or bad. But now, I can't tell her anything because I KNOW she will worry. I feel so insecure when I talk to her about grades and I hate that. And then, deep inside, there's this old fighting spirit that says "It's okay! Euro's all right! I can do better!" But... it's simply not happening. The voice right now that dominates inside my head is like "OH my GOSH ALICE... how could you get THAT?! I thought you were SMART. Last year you did SO much better with your grades!" I'm almost starting to think my acing the first test was a complete fluke. I really did used to think that I was intelligent and now I seriously laugh at myself. And I somehow have the conception that other people thought that I was smart too. Then when I tell them grades that I'm getting this year since they ask and it's not nice to just say "I'm not telling you", they give me this look that's like "Oh that's okay but I thought you could do better" or they actually SAY like "I thought you could do better". I'm not ragging on you if you ever said that and are reading this. It's just not a good time to say that to me. Normally it would encourage me, and it still does but not as much as it used to. Others seem to actually think that I'm not smart anymore and kind of just don't care anymore and that's fine. But it's not about other people's expectations. It's about mine. And I can't even meet them. I've come to find that I'm no smarter than most other people, just a bit better at guessing in multiple choice. I'm lazy and just plain bad at studying. It seems that every fact in Euro that I study, it just pours out of my head while I sleep. I hate myself so much at this point in the school year that I can't believe it. I don't believe I've ever been so disappointed in myself before because I have actually let myself down. I believed in myself and still do... but to an extent. I feel like I can't catch up to those that I used to pride myself in being associated with and I'm not reliable to keep any promises to myself anymore. That's just so sad. I don't trust myself anymore.

And then I actually am starting to have social issues. I'm being EXTREMELY picky but still... I'd like to have fun when I want to. So Sally comes back from homecoming with a boyfriend and so does Deborah and I really AM happy for them. Sally keeps mentioning that I should have gone and I should go to the next one and if I do, then I should go with someone I will have fun with. But seriously, it's not like I don't have fun with other people but there isn't this ONE person (of opposite gender) that I think I could comfortably have fun with. And when this thought crossed my mind, I just felt really really alone. Then, I hated myself because I am blessed with SO many wonderful people around me that it would be COMPLETELY ludicrous to complain. But I'm missing this one small aspect. And I can't seem to find a way to fix it. As I look around, everyone seems to have someone, and I have no one. I'm starting to feel that I'm really no fun to be around and people would probably rather be hanging around someone else. I guess my personality just doesn't match with some people. And even as I write this, my self-esteem is just SINKING. I don't know how to stop it and you have to believe me (whoever is reading this) that I DO want to stop it.

I want to ask for help yet at the same time I know that I'm the only one who can help myself. And I'm the one that I want to hurt the most. And I'm the one that I support the most. And I'm the one that I'm most angry at. And I'm the one that I hate the most.

OMG today was a stressful day.



And by the way, "Medea" was really quite good for a play of its genre. I would recommend it but be prepared to pay attention for 90 minutes straight or just stock up on caffeine. ^^

~PRAISE THE PRINCE~

OMG... I feel like crap. I haven't eaten a single thing since dinner last night except for a small piece of chocolate. And that made me feel SOOO nauseous... O__O I think I have stomach flu or something. And my fever keeps coming back. ARGHH...

I still have Spanish to do and Euro to study for. X_____X

I am going to dieeee~!!!

~PRAISE THE PRINCE~