Oh geez. It's been a loooong time. :o I've been spending more time on my LJ, unfortunately. :[ But I guess there's still people alive on blogger?

Um well. Life has been all right I suppose. It's been somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster for me though. I'm a coward, really. I'm scared of what may happen if I go any further into territory that I'm unfamiliar with. Don't understand what I'm talking about? It's ok. It's just the reason why I've never had a boyfriend. In the end, it's just a confidence issue. I complain a lot about not having a boyfriend but in the end, it's all my fault for not ever doing anything about it.

And recently, all I seem to be able to think about is Prom. Prom is indeed coming up very fast. It'll be April soon, and then BAM it's almost time to never see my friends again. But that all depends. No one except one person knows but this year, my grandpa had a relapse with cancer. He had prostate cancer a while back and he got surgery to remove it, but recently, it came back. It was a hard time because we didn't know what to do. Everyone seemed to always be mad at each other and my mom was stressed beyond belief. We eventually allowed another surgery that removed his bladder and he now uses an external bag instead. Everyday I wonder if my grandpa's happy, if he's glad that he'd done this surgery. But we know that at the time, he would have only survived about a year without the surgery.

He doesn't know this.

And we don't know if that's still true even with the surgery. At least my brother and I don't know. And so recently, I've been thinking seriously that I shouldn't even think of going to the East Coast. What if something happens to my grandpa and I'm not there? And even my grandma too; she's lost so much weight over these past few months. As my grandpa is doing all right now, I don't want to complain about anything, but it felt bad not to put it somewhere, tell it to somebody, anybody.

Now, back to Prom.

There's a certain somebody I want to go with. He will be referred to as Shotgun. Shotgun is someone that I've known for a long time and I've recently realized that I have underappreciated him for the longest time. He is always so nice to me and fun to talk to, but I never saw it. And when I realized it and that I wanted to go to Prom with him, I have a feeling that it's too late. This is really the first time I've actually wanted to go with someone to a dance. I feel so silly thinking about him and how much fun we'd have at Prom when there really is no chance for me to go with him. The truth is that I stopped talking to him for like five months this year (because I was stupid, mostly). I recently started talking to him again and I realized how much I missed talking to him, and how blind I was to his qualities. But alas, we don't have any classes together and while I sometimes see him around, we only really talk on AIM. And when we talk on AIM, I keep wishing that we were talking face-to-face instead. Man, I'm so pathetic. :[ Maybe I like him? I was thinking that might be the case but then I start feeling bad because I didn't see anything special in him before, and that was just really inconsiderate and shallow on my part. I'm being a real drama queen about this issue and I'm so ashamed of myself. :[ If (and when) no one asks me to Prom, I'll deserve it.

But really, I'm not depressed. I know I tend to get caught up with details and these are just some that I keep obssessing over.